It has been liberating to read about the Power Grid and especially about the Charmer. I know a young lady who is a Charmer. I am very close to her and have been confused and frustrated with her behavior. One of the power plays of the Charmer is "get perspective on the risks you are taking." Because a Charmer is focused on their objective and work to achieve their goals with little concern for rules and/or other people, they can cause serious issues for the people they work/live with. My little Charmer appears to care little for rules and for others unless she needs something from them. The final power play of the chapter is "learn to listen to those with authentic power." To me Charmers are mysterious. I am certainly not a Charmer. But the good thing is that Charmers can improve themselves. When they decide that they want to improve their work and collaboration skills, they can have amazing success. This is very hopeful. The story from the chapter that sticks in my mind is the one about Bonnie and Toni. Bonnie is the Charmer and does not have the time or energy to listen to Toni, her office manager. So Toni leaves and Bonnie is left with a mess to clean up and fix. When she gets help, she is successful and finds great fufillment.
-- Make sure your subordinates feel heard~~ In education i have often seen teachers treat paras as if they know very little. A para often works one on one with students and may have insights into those students that others may not. A subordinate can be a useful and important member of the team if they feel as if their opinions and input are valued. In turn, the charmer can become an excellent leader if they learn to help team members feel heard.
-- Look for opportunities to Express sincere Appreciation~~This kind of ties into the above power play. IF appreciation is never shown, people will soon feel discouraged and under appreciated. People tend to work harder and better when they feel as if their efforts are not in vain.
I agree with you that appreciation needs to be shown. It only needs to be in the form of a quick note or verbal statement. Praise and encouragement go a long way in the work place. People work harder when they feel their efforts are noticed and appreciated.
I knew a Charmer in college, who I used to be really close to, but our friendship ended ubruptly and I never quite understood why.
Cheryl- I also was very confused and frustrated at times with the charmer I knew. Her motives and actions were very different from mine.
-Pick your battles carefully when the charmer is a peer. The charmer I knew manipulated my entire class and professors without them knowing it. I didn't see it until I was burnt by her and started paying attention. She would act kind to your face, but she would always end up getting what she wanted. She would do it in an indirect way, so others wouldn't recognize what was really going on. I never understood why she acted this way at the time, but after reading the chapter, it has helped me understand. Ever since then, I have tried to pick up on others motives while I interact with them. I hadn't been manipulated like this before and I hope I am aware of it while it happens in the future. There are probably charmers in every workplace.
-Don't make promises you can't keep when the charmer is a subordinate. The charmer I knew always buddied up with certain professors. She would play up authority figures and give them a lot of attention. "As the boss gets seduced by all this attention, they may assume that the Charmer will always be at their beck and call." My peer would often get asked to watch their children or go on errands for them, which she thought was 'too much', but after reading this, I am understanding this situation better.
Make sure your subordinates feel heard when the charmer is the boss... I knew someone who was a charmer and really struggled with this. This charmer put people into a group and was suppose to work together to develop a plan to try. The team worked together and figured one out but instead of listening to that group the charmer elected new members who did the exact same thing as the other group and then followed through with it. It sure made the first group upset and unappreciated.
Look for opportunities to express sincere appreciation when the charmer is the boss... I also knew another person who struggled with this. This charmer favored certain people and would show them she appreciated them, but they were always the same people. People love to know that their work is appreciated and if they do not know that can be a little discouraging. It also needs to be meaningful. Not just appreciation because you are a good friend of theirs.
I worked with a Charmer as a fellow teacher. He was a ‘lone wolf’ and always preferred to go it alone. After reading Chapters 4 & 5 I have a better understanding of him. I knew how he was raised but reading the power plays explained many of his actions to me. *Learn to Listen to those with Authentic Power This fellow always pushed the limits on following directives from supervisors. He would do things his own way because he thought his ideas were better. We hadn’t had strong administrators for a while and he got by with being aggressive towards students and fellow staff members. When a strong administrator came along, he was removed from teaching. It was a long, nasty due process hearing for the district. But, he still charms others, he can get new jobs – never seems to lack for employment, he just can’t maintain it. *Look for Opportunities to Express Sincere Appreciation The Charmer I am thinking of does not express appreciation. He looks out for himself first, and foremost. I often wonder how his wife deals with him on a daily basis; he demeans her and is rude to her in public. (I can only imagine how he treats her in private!) He has had many health issues and his dutiful wife is always there to take care of him, yet he belittles her care. Just watching him makes me angry at him and angry at her for allowing him to be so nasty. He expresses no appreciation for anything people do to make his life easier. When students try to be kind, he puts them down for being sentimental. I truly believe he needs help, but won’t seek it. I know Charmers view things differently than I do and it takes all kinds of people and personalities to make a school/business be successful. I can see them being change agents when on the right track and extremely creative.
I have known a charmer like the one you are speaking of. He frustrated me as well! He put his wife down and she was a wonderful woman. When it came to others he was only kind if he thought it would get him somewhere.
I do agree with you though that Charmers can be effective and successful individuals if they are on the right track.
The first play that stood out in my mind was to “Pick your battles carefully”. This phrase has been taught to me somewhere along the line in my upbringing. Being a pleaser, I don’t normally like to battle, but depending on the battle, if it is the right thing to do, I will. I don’t like to see children or adults being bullied or put down and will stick up for them; if I believe in a cause I will also stick up for it; and other battles I have to weigh whether it is worth the effort or not before pursuing them. The second play that relates to me somewhat is, “Learn to listen to those with authentic power.” I know a number of people who think they know better than those in authority and question what should be done and sometimes want me to agree and go along with them (a charmer) and do something different than we’ve been told. It is sometimes hard to be diplomatic about it and say no to them as I feel they shouldn’t be questioning the authority. I guess I just always feel that I will get called on the carpet if I do go along and don’t want to experience the uncomfortable feeling.
“Pick your battles carefully” This one really resonates with me!!!! Having been through the teen years 5 times and now starting teen years with a granddaughter it is so true. You have to decide what is worth the fight and don't sweat the small stuff! The other piece of this is don't make statements you are not willing to back up with actions. Especially when working with kids--bluffing does not work, they will call your bluff every time. Then it is put up or shut up.
Its kind of like writing a behavior plan for a kid--you can't fix everything at once so choose 2 or 3 things that would definitely make everyone's life better and work on those, when those are better pick the next things and so on. I think it is real easy to get pulled into trying to do too much or fix too many things at once. Choose what you can make a difference with and go for it. Understand that there are some things you just can't fix and don't beat yourself up over it. Pick the battle you have most chance of making a difference in. Make your own decisions! Charmers are very good at convincing others to follow their lead even if it is straight into the abyss. But on the other hand, Charmers are also very good at getting groups together and pointed in a direction and moving. Just as with every one of the 4 quadrants there or positives and negatives. I know lots of Charmers and frankly I envy their ability to be Charming. It is not one of my strong points.
The second area for me would be: Look for Opportunities to Express Sincere Appreciation. As an administrator this is an area that I try very hard to constantly work on. I know each and everyone of you have a hard job out there. You never get enough kudos for the work you do. Giving positive affirmation is something that is simple and easy to do, cost nothing but so many times I think we get caught up in the business of life and forget to tell others THANK YOU FOR A JOB WELL DONE. You work with the hardest kids, often their progress is measured in minute amounts and yet you never give up on them. That is what teaching is all about. Seems like in special ed someone always has critical things to say about what you do or don't do and there is never enough positive feedback or appreciation expressed.
As I have been reading this book, I have struggled putting faces with the Pleaser or Charmer completely. I can really identify someone who fits the description under When the Charmer is a Subordinate-Come clean when you make a mistake and Learn to listen to those with authentic Power. This was an “aha” moment, because I know someone that fits this example and they had a needy parent. They can’t accept that they cause their own problems. When this person was confronted with some issues, they still didn’t get that they were responsible and should face consequences. I wonder what really goes on in their mind. This person feels like consequences do not apply and they become defensive when confronted. This author confuses me, because it was stated in chapter four that Charmers simple won't believe what authority figures tell them and now it states that Charmers become less defensive around authority figures.
Come Clean When You Make a Mistake: This one reminds me of an acquaintance who refuses to admit she is wrong or has made a mistake. Even when she is obviously in the wrong, she will blame someone else. It is extremely frustrating when you are the one who she blames, especially when she twists the story to make herself look innocent and you look guilty.
Make Sure You Subordinates Feel Heard: Nothing is more frustrating than when you feel you have a legitimate concern and an authority figure won't give you the time of day. They may let you talk, but you know they are not honestly hearing anything you have to say. Everyone needs to feel like they have a voice. Early in my career I worked for a principal who did an excellent job of making you feel heard. Even if his decision was directly opposite of what you wanted or thought was best, you got the feeling he heard you and considered your point of view before making his decision. He obviously wasn't a Charmer.
“Don’t Underestimate Your Colleagues” and “Pick Your Battles Carefully” were two power plays that reminded me of a girl I worked with during college. She had a tendency to come across as though she thought she was better than everyone else (even our boss at times) and that any standards, expectations, etc. weren’t applicable to her. Whenever she made a mistake, she was always able to spit out a hundred reasons to justify her actions. Our boss rarely came down on her for anything (I think we had all just become accustomed to her behavior), but on the occasion that he did, you could be certain that rumors and drama would be starting up about a 3rd person who worked there (I think she did this mainly to shift focus away from herself and whatever had happened.). The girl was eventually fired, but I don’t think she really ever realized it was because of how she handled certain situations. She just chalked it up to the boss not liking her.
LeNnis~ I think the exact same way in regards to wondering what really goes on in the mind of a Charmer. I worked with a student who I would call a Charmer in Training. Then, after meeting the child’s mother, I definitely saw where the apple had not fallen far from the tree. There were times when I just wanted to shake this mother and ask, “Do you know what you’re saying?! Do you understand what you’re trying to tell me???” I mean, I know those types of actions would be completely inappropriate, but I just get so frustrated at times when people act like that. Hopefully, though, reading this book will help me to more fully understand the Charmer and his/her point of view.
Jan~ When you commented about the principal you worked for who made sure you felt heard, even if you had differing opinions, it reminded me of a professor I had in grad school. He was always urging us to voice our opinions about everything, from how we thought the class should be structured (Ex: whether we wanted the majority to be discussion, tests, projects, etc.) to what topics we wanted to focus on learning about during the semester, to what books we would prefer using, to flat out just proving him wrong about something. Initially, I was dreading taking a class with this professor because I had heard he had a tendency of singling students out during discussion time. I hate being put on the spot to answer questions, especially in front of a group of people, because I get extremely nervous about saying the wrong thing. However, he turned out to be one of my favorite professors because during discussions and answering questions, it was never about being right or wrong with him. He was most interested in hearing how you came to develop the particular perspective that you had on a given issue.
Look for opportunities to express sincere appreciation - is key especially when you are working with paras! Paras are a key aspect to the daily operation of schools and classrooms. Without my para’s I would be lost. I am fortunate to have 4 wonderful ladies that I can trust to follow through with daily routines and if I did not show my appreciation for them and remind them of the wonderful self worth they have they could easily tell me to take a hike. Sometimes it is the simple communication of letting them know what a great job they do and just the smallest gestures of thanks that keep them wanting to come back to an underpaid and demanding job!
Pick your battles carefully – there are times that you have the best intentions of putting your foot down but when you get to the confrontation you find that maybe the best approach is planting the seed and walking away. I have one colleague that if I walk in and suggest how things should be done with a particular student she becomes very stand offish, but if I can relate it to other students or situations and make subliminal suggestions in a day or two she will think she has had the best idea of a century of how to handle the student and/or situation. So sometimes my picking the battle is planting the seed and letting her think it was totally her idea.
First off-I do not feel I have any charmer characteristics!! While reading about the charmer-one person came to mind. The 2 power plays that this person has but doesn't seem to use very well is making sure subordinates feel heard and showing sincere appreciation. This person says they want your input, but will not take them into consideration when it comes to a final decision-this is very frustrating and I have to tell myself it's out of my control-someday maybe they will learn to listen to others and not expect it done their way all the time. Showing sincere appreciation is also a power play this person does not exhibit. When they do say a thank you-the tone of voice is so fake you can read that it's not sincere.
I had a friend in college who had the exact qualities of being a charmer. This person had the exact same upbringing of a broken home with needy parents and they were pretty cocky for reasons I never understood. This book has actually really put this person's actions and personality into perspective, and now totally makes sense. One power play this person could learn from are Come Clean When You Make a mistake. Growing up, this person's mom was the type to go to battle for them when the teacher has said that they did something wrong. Because of this action, along with others, this person learned that they were above authority. Instead, this person would learn a great deal if they accepted blame for wrongs, as the book says. The other power play this person could learn from is making their subordinates feel heard. Instead of only speaking to those that are high enough to be spoken too, developing relationships through listening to those without the titles or money would really benefit this person.
Amy - I totally agree with you that you must constantly tell and show your appreciation for your paras. They do so much and are an absolute blessing to have! Jan - Having someone who doesn't take blame is annoying, let alone when they blame it on you. I haven't had the last part before, but I can imagine the hurt that must have been felt. Before I thought people who didn't accept blame just didn't have a very good idea of what truth was, but now I understand that it was also their upbringing that taught them that nothing was ever their fault. Sad situation.
Come Clean When You Make A Mistake: One charmer I know is/has been the pastor of a church. This gentleman has a magnetic personality that he plays up as a cowboy pastor. When his charm/welcome wears out, he and his family move to another town and another congregation. This pastor finds it hard to share information as well as leadership roles in the church often filling the “shoes” of pastor, praise & worship and youth pastor (loner). After several moves; and some close financial calls he and his family have moved once again. This time he is employed in the trucking business and pastors a cowboy church (as a satellite of a traditional church). He is getting older and he has burnt several bridges. Still….he always seems to come out smelling like a rose with others taking the fall; he is very smooth when diverting blame from himself. He has little respect for authority. This man’s Mom died when he was 11 and he spent the next 5 years looking after his alcoholic father; often rescuing Dad at the bar. After reading about Charmers I understand a bit more about this personality. While this person (as the book pointed out) has many strengths and has helped people; I also know some people that have been very hurt. I see that as time goes on; this charmer is hurting himself and his family by not learning how to changes his weaknesses rather than ignore them. Pick Your Battles “Be very careful in picking the hill you choose to die on; sometimes it’s better for all involved to live to fight another day” was some advice I’ve been given. Good advice whether we’re working with an administrator/boss, a family situation or in a friendship. I was also given the tip “in 10 years – or even 5 will it matter and no one really remembers the small stuff – so don’t sweat it”. Sometimes this is hard for me to remember when I’m in the middle of a situation. Marcy: I agree with your comments about picking your battles with teens and being careful what you say – being prepared to back it up! But, no way can you have a grandchild as a teen! Also, thanks for pointing out that charmers are very good at getting groups going on projects. Amy: I like the idea of looking at presenting ideas as “planting a seed and then walking away. That is something I need to fine tune.
I think making sure your subordinates feel heard and looking for opportunities to express sincere appreciation are related. If you don't appreciate the people you're working with, you likely won't truly listen to what they have to say. We need to continue cultivating in our HPEC culture the idea that all people--the children, the parents, the paras, and the people who work with them within our school systems--are important. Many of the children that we work with and their families are working through the grieving process in accepting and overcoming disability. Many times we grieve with them and, at our best, help them have the strength to overcome. Each person working for HPEC has an important part to play in doing what we do.
Pick Your Battles Carefully - After reading this chapter, two people immediately came to mind. There is one individual that I work with who fits the Charmer profile to a T!! She came to mind after reading the Pick Your Battles Carefully section. There is constant turmoil in her department because of her actions. She always wants credit for any positive event in her area. When talking to her, I constantly notice the "I" pronoun used a lot. It is not about her team; it is all about her. There are constant explosions between her and another individual in her department. When talking to people in this department, you can sense the stress and frustration they feel because of this one person's actions. Drama can be exhausting!!
Know When To Turn Off the Charm - I work with another individual who I feel thinks he is God's gift to mankind! A little bit of him goes a LONG way. It is really hard to interact with him because he does not turn off the charm off and comes across as fake after a while. One also gets the sense that he is making a real effort to look good in the eyes of administration. He tends to ignore fellow coworkers in his quest to impress the big guys. As a result of his behavior, there has been a lot of grumbling amongst his coworkers. After reading the Charmer chapters, I have a better understanding of the two individuals mentioned above. Hopefully it will help me be more aware of why they may be behaving in a certain manner. I know I am not perfect, but as a Pleaser, I try to get along with everyone. That is probably why I have a difficult time dealing with some people. Emotions are not important to them unless it is their own emotions that they are dealing with! Can't we all just get along!!
A couple people I have worked with come to mind as charmers, having trouble owning mistakes, and working for the good of the team, rather than individual promotion. When you get a glimpse of their history, they grew up with inconsistent, unsupportive parents. I wonder how long most charmers last in human services before they "flame out". Reading this leaves me wondering more how to help inspirer them to use their skills to advocate for what is best for students, rather than what they perceive may be best for their careers.
I have known a charmers who come from troubled backgrounds and use their charms to get what they want. When tring to look at them from a different perspective I could understand that this may be a defense mechinisim. My personality I think makes it easier to work w/ those types of personalities. Though I might be the sort to vent about it at another time and not confront the person.
After reading this chapter I can see a member of my family fitting this role to a t! This family member never had to take the blame for anything and has continued to be handed everything by my parents (and now just my mom) because there is constant needing this and getting exactly what he wants. Due to that, my other siblings and myself really don't like our charmer!!! At school, I have a co-worker who is that way too. That person is constantly "brown-nosing" and volunteering and UGH! getting exactly the kudos that I'd love to get, but just don't have all the time and energy to apply to the situations.
Making sure subordinates are heard is often something charmers fail to do. I worked for a superintendent quite a few years ago that didn't allow subordinates to be heard. This person operated on their own terms and didn't take other thoughts or opinions into consideration. This caused staff morale to be low.
Looking for opportunities to express sincere appreciation is really important. I currently have someone in the work place that often shows appreciation for all staff members. It is often in the form of a written note. She takes the time to hand write notes to individual people all the time for doing things both big and small. It sure makes me feel good when someone notices :).
test
ReplyDeleteTest.
ReplyDeleteIt has been liberating to read about the Power Grid and especially about the Charmer. I know a young lady who is a Charmer. I am very close to her and have been confused and frustrated with her behavior.
ReplyDeleteOne of the power plays of the Charmer is "get perspective on the risks you are taking." Because a Charmer is focused on their objective and work to achieve their goals with little concern for rules and/or other people, they can cause serious issues for the people they work/live with. My little Charmer appears to care little for rules and for others unless she needs something from them.
The final power play of the chapter is "learn to listen to those with authentic power." To me Charmers are mysterious. I am certainly not a Charmer. But the good thing is that Charmers can improve themselves. When they decide that they want to improve their work and collaboration skills, they can have amazing success. This is very hopeful.
The story from the chapter that sticks in my mind is the one about Bonnie and Toni. Bonnie is the Charmer and does not have the time or energy to listen to Toni, her office manager. So Toni leaves and Bonnie is left with a mess to clean up and fix. When she gets help, she is successful and finds great fufillment.
-- Make sure your subordinates feel heard~~ In education i have often seen teachers treat paras as if they know very little. A para often works one on one with students and may have insights into those students that others may not. A subordinate can be a useful and important member of the team if they feel as if their opinions and input are valued. In turn, the charmer can become an excellent leader if they learn to help team members feel heard.
ReplyDelete-- Look for opportunities to Express sincere Appreciation~~This kind of ties into the above power play. IF appreciation is never shown, people will soon feel discouraged and under appreciated. People tend to work harder and better when they feel as if their efforts are not in vain.
I agree with you that appreciation needs to be shown. It only needs to be in the form of a quick note or verbal statement. Praise and encouragement go a long way in the work place. People work harder when they feel their efforts are noticed and appreciated.
DeleteI knew a Charmer in college, who I used to be really close to, but our friendship ended ubruptly and I never quite understood why.
ReplyDeleteCheryl- I also was very confused and frustrated at times with the charmer I knew. Her motives and actions were very different from mine.
-Pick your battles carefully when the charmer is a peer. The charmer I knew manipulated my entire class and professors without them knowing it. I didn't see it until I was burnt by her and started paying attention. She would act kind to your face, but she would always end up getting what she wanted. She would do it in an indirect way, so others wouldn't recognize what was really going on. I never understood why she acted this way at the time, but after reading the chapter, it has helped me understand. Ever since then, I have tried to pick up on others motives while I interact with them. I hadn't been manipulated like this before and I hope I am aware of it while it happens in the future. There are probably charmers in every workplace.
-Don't make promises you can't keep when the charmer is a subordinate. The charmer I knew always buddied up with certain professors. She would play up authority figures and give them a lot of attention. "As the boss gets seduced by all this attention, they may assume that the Charmer will always be at their beck and call." My peer would often get asked to watch their children or go on errands for them, which she thought was 'too much', but after reading this, I am understanding this situation better.
Make sure your subordinates feel heard when the charmer is the boss... I knew someone who was a charmer and really struggled with this. This charmer put people into a group and was suppose to work together to develop a plan to try. The team worked together and figured one out but instead of listening to that group the charmer elected new members who did the exact same thing as the other group and then followed through with it. It sure made the first group upset and unappreciated.
ReplyDeleteLook for opportunities to express sincere appreciation when the charmer is the boss... I also knew another person who struggled with this. This charmer favored certain people and would show them she appreciated them, but they were always the same people. People love to know that their work is appreciated and if they do not know that can be a little discouraging. It also needs to be meaningful. Not just appreciation because you are a good friend of theirs.
I worked with a Charmer as a fellow teacher. He was a ‘lone wolf’ and always preferred to go it alone. After reading Chapters 4 & 5 I have a better understanding of him. I knew how he was raised but reading the power plays explained many of his actions to me.
ReplyDelete*Learn to Listen to those with Authentic Power
This fellow always pushed the limits on following directives from supervisors. He would do things his own way because he thought his ideas were better. We hadn’t had strong administrators for a while and he got by with being aggressive towards students and fellow staff members. When a strong administrator came along, he was removed from teaching. It was a long, nasty due process hearing for the district. But, he still charms others, he can get new jobs – never seems to lack for employment, he just can’t maintain it.
*Look for Opportunities to Express Sincere Appreciation
The Charmer I am thinking of does not express appreciation. He looks out for himself first, and foremost. I often wonder how his wife deals with him on a daily basis; he demeans her and is rude to her in public. (I can only imagine how he treats her in private!) He has had many health issues and his dutiful wife is always there to take care of him, yet he belittles her care. Just watching him makes me angry at him and angry at her for allowing him to be so nasty. He expresses no appreciation for anything people do to make his life easier. When students try to be kind, he puts them down for being sentimental. I truly believe he needs help, but won’t seek it.
I know Charmers view things differently than I do and it takes all kinds of people and personalities to make a school/business be successful. I can see them being change agents when on the right track and extremely creative.
I have known a charmer like the one you are speaking of. He frustrated me as well! He put his wife down and she was a wonderful woman. When it came to others he was only kind if he thought it would get him somewhere.
DeleteI do agree with you though that Charmers can be effective and successful individuals if they are on the right track.
The first play that stood out in my mind was to “Pick your battles carefully”. This phrase has been taught to me somewhere along the line in my upbringing. Being a pleaser, I don’t normally like to battle, but depending on the battle, if it is the right thing to do, I will. I don’t like to see children or adults being bullied or put down and will stick up for them; if I believe in a cause I will also stick up for it; and other battles I have to weigh whether it is worth the effort or not before pursuing them.
ReplyDeleteThe second play that relates to me somewhat is, “Learn to listen to those with authentic power.” I know a number of people who think they know better than those in authority and question what should be done and sometimes want me to agree and go along with them (a charmer) and do something different than we’ve been told. It is sometimes hard to be diplomatic about it and say no to them as I feel they shouldn’t be questioning the authority. I guess I just always feel that I will get called on the carpet if I do go along and don’t want to experience the uncomfortable feeling.
“Pick your battles carefully” This one really resonates with me!!!! Having been through the teen years 5 times and now starting teen years with a granddaughter it is so true. You have to decide what is worth the fight and don't sweat the small stuff! The other piece of this is don't make statements you are not willing to back up with actions. Especially when working with kids--bluffing does not work, they will call your bluff every time. Then it is put up or shut up.
ReplyDeleteIts kind of like writing a behavior plan for a kid--you can't fix everything at once so choose 2 or 3 things that would definitely make everyone's life better and work on those, when those are better pick the next things and so on. I think it is real easy to get pulled into trying to do too much or fix too many things at once. Choose what you can make a difference with and go for it. Understand that there are some things you just can't fix and don't beat yourself up over it. Pick the battle you have most chance of making a difference in. Make your own decisions! Charmers are very good at convincing others to follow their lead even if it is straight into the abyss. But on the other hand, Charmers are also very good at getting groups together and pointed in a direction and moving. Just as with every one of the 4 quadrants there or positives and negatives. I know lots of Charmers and frankly I envy their ability to be Charming. It is not one of my strong points.
The second area for me would be: Look for Opportunities to Express Sincere Appreciation. As an administrator this is an area that I try very hard to constantly work on. I know each and everyone of you have a hard job out there. You never get enough kudos for the work you do. Giving positive affirmation is something that is simple and easy to do, cost nothing but so many times I think we get caught up in the business of life and forget to tell others THANK YOU FOR A JOB WELL DONE. You work with the hardest kids, often their progress is measured in minute amounts and yet you never give up on them. That is what teaching is all about. Seems like in special ed someone always has critical things to say about what you do or don't do and there is never enough positive feedback or appreciation expressed.
Chapter Five
ReplyDeleteAs I have been reading this book, I have struggled putting faces with the Pleaser or Charmer completely. I can really identify someone who fits the description under When the Charmer is a Subordinate-Come clean when you make a mistake and Learn to listen to those with authentic Power. This was an “aha” moment, because I know someone that fits this example and they had a needy parent. They can’t accept that they cause their own problems. When this person was confronted with some issues, they still didn’t get that they were responsible and should face consequences. I wonder what really goes on in their mind. This person feels like consequences do not apply and they become defensive when confronted. This author confuses me, because it was stated in chapter four that Charmers simple won't believe what authority figures tell them and now it states that Charmers become less defensive around authority figures.
Come Clean When You Make a Mistake: This one reminds me of an acquaintance who refuses to admit she is wrong or has made a mistake. Even when she is obviously in the wrong, she will blame someone else. It is extremely frustrating when you are the one who she blames, especially when she twists the story to make herself look innocent and you look guilty.
ReplyDeleteMake Sure You Subordinates Feel Heard: Nothing is more frustrating than when you feel you have a legitimate concern and an authority figure won't give you the time of day. They may let you talk, but you know they are not honestly hearing anything you have to say. Everyone needs to feel like they have a voice. Early in my career I worked for a principal who did an excellent job of making you feel heard. Even if his decision was directly opposite of what you wanted or thought was best, you got the feeling he heard you and considered your point of view before making his decision. He obviously wasn't a Charmer.
“Don’t Underestimate Your Colleagues” and “Pick Your Battles Carefully” were two power plays that reminded me of a girl I worked with during college. She had a tendency to come across as though she thought she was better than everyone else (even our boss at times) and that any standards, expectations, etc. weren’t applicable to her. Whenever she made a mistake, she was always able to spit out a hundred reasons to justify her actions. Our boss rarely came down on her for anything (I think we had all just become accustomed to her behavior), but on the occasion that he did, you could be certain that rumors and drama would be starting up about a 3rd person who worked there (I think she did this mainly to shift focus away from herself and whatever had happened.). The girl was eventually fired, but I don’t think she really ever realized it was because of how she handled certain situations. She just chalked it up to the boss not liking her.
ReplyDeleteLeNnis~
I think the exact same way in regards to wondering what really goes on in the mind of a Charmer. I worked with a student who I would call a Charmer in Training. Then, after meeting the child’s mother, I definitely saw where the apple had not fallen far from the tree. There were times when I just wanted to shake this mother and ask, “Do you know what you’re saying?! Do you understand what you’re trying to tell me???” I mean, I know those types of actions would be completely inappropriate, but I just get so frustrated at times when people act like that. Hopefully, though, reading this book will help me to more fully understand the Charmer and his/her point of view.
Jan~
When you commented about the principal you worked for who made sure you felt heard, even if you had differing opinions, it reminded me of a professor I had in grad school. He was always urging us to voice our opinions about everything, from how we thought the class should be structured (Ex: whether we wanted the majority to be discussion, tests, projects, etc.) to what topics we wanted to focus on learning about during the semester, to what books we would prefer using, to flat out just proving him wrong about something. Initially, I was dreading taking a class with this professor because I had heard he had a tendency of singling students out during discussion time. I hate being put on the spot to answer questions, especially in front of a group of people, because I get extremely nervous about saying the wrong thing. However, he turned out to be one of my favorite professors because during discussions and answering questions, it was never about being right or wrong with him. He was most interested in hearing how you came to develop the particular perspective that you had on a given issue.
Look for opportunities to express sincere appreciation - is key especially when you are working with paras! Paras are a key aspect to the daily operation of schools and classrooms. Without my para’s I would be lost. I am fortunate to have 4 wonderful ladies that I can trust to follow through with daily routines and if I did not show my appreciation for them and remind them of the wonderful self worth they have they could easily tell me to take a hike. Sometimes it is the simple communication of letting them know what a great job they do and just the smallest gestures of thanks that keep them wanting to come back to an underpaid and demanding job!
ReplyDeletePick your battles carefully – there are times that you have the best intentions of putting your foot down but when you get to the confrontation you find that maybe the best approach is planting the seed and walking away. I have one colleague that if I walk in and suggest how things should be done with a particular student she becomes very stand offish, but if I can relate it to other students or situations and make subliminal suggestions in a day or two she will think she has had the best idea of a century of how to handle the student and/or situation. So sometimes my picking the battle is planting the seed and letting her think it was totally her idea.
First off-I do not feel I have any charmer characteristics!! While reading about the charmer-one person came to mind. The 2 power plays that this person has but doesn't seem to use very well is making sure subordinates feel heard and showing sincere appreciation. This person says they want your input, but will not take them into consideration when it comes to a final decision-this is very frustrating and I have to tell myself it's out of my control-someday maybe they will learn to listen to others and not expect it done their way all the time.
ReplyDeleteShowing sincere appreciation is also a power play this person does not exhibit. When they do say a thank you-the tone of voice is so fake you can read that it's not sincere.
I had a friend in college who had the exact qualities of being a charmer. This person had the exact same upbringing of a broken home with needy parents and they were pretty cocky for reasons I never understood. This book has actually really put this person's actions and personality into perspective, and now totally makes sense. One power play this person could learn from are Come Clean When You Make a mistake. Growing up, this person's mom was the type to go to battle for them when the teacher has said that they did something wrong. Because of this action, along with others, this person learned that they were above authority. Instead, this person would learn a great deal if they accepted blame for wrongs, as the book says. The other power play this person could learn from is making their subordinates feel heard. Instead of only speaking to those that are high enough to be spoken too, developing relationships through listening to those without the titles or money would really benefit this person.
ReplyDeleteAmy - I totally agree with you that you must constantly tell and show your appreciation for your paras. They do so much and are an absolute blessing to have!
ReplyDeleteJan - Having someone who doesn't take blame is annoying, let alone when they blame it on you. I haven't had the last part before, but I can imagine the hurt that must have been felt. Before I thought people who didn't accept blame just didn't have a very good idea of what truth was, but now I understand that it was also their upbringing that taught them that nothing was ever their fault. Sad situation.
Come Clean When You Make A Mistake:
ReplyDeleteOne charmer I know is/has been the pastor of a church. This gentleman has a magnetic personality that he plays up as a cowboy pastor. When his charm/welcome wears out, he and his family move to another town and another congregation. This pastor finds it hard to share information as well as leadership roles in the church often filling the “shoes” of pastor, praise & worship and youth pastor (loner). After several moves; and some close financial calls he and his family have moved once again. This time he is employed in the trucking business and pastors a cowboy church (as a satellite of a traditional church). He is getting older and he has burnt several bridges. Still….he always seems to come out smelling like a rose with others taking the fall; he is very smooth when diverting blame from himself. He has little respect for authority. This man’s Mom died when he was 11 and he spent the next 5 years looking after his alcoholic father; often rescuing Dad at the bar. After reading about Charmers I understand a bit more about this personality. While this person (as the book pointed out) has many strengths and has helped people; I also know some people that have been very hurt. I see that as time goes on; this charmer is hurting himself and his family by not learning how to changes his weaknesses rather than ignore them.
Pick Your Battles
“Be very careful in picking the hill you choose to die on; sometimes it’s better for all involved to live to fight another day” was some advice I’ve been given. Good advice whether we’re working with an administrator/boss, a family situation or in a friendship. I was also given the tip “in 10 years – or even 5 will it matter and no one really remembers the small stuff – so don’t sweat it”. Sometimes this is hard for me to remember when I’m in the middle of a situation.
Marcy: I agree with your comments about picking your battles with teens and being careful what you say – being prepared to back it up! But, no way can you have a grandchild as a teen! Also, thanks for pointing out that charmers are very good at getting groups going on projects.
Amy: I like the idea of looking at presenting ideas as “planting a seed and then walking away. That is something I need to fine tune.
I think making sure your subordinates feel heard and looking for opportunities to express sincere appreciation are related. If you don't appreciate the people you're working with, you likely won't truly listen to what they have to say. We need to continue cultivating in our HPEC culture the idea that all people--the children, the parents, the paras, and the people who work with them within our school systems--are important. Many of the children that we work with and their families are working through the grieving process in accepting and overcoming disability. Many times we grieve with them and, at our best, help them have the strength to overcome. Each person working for HPEC has an important part to play in doing what we do.
ReplyDeletePick Your Battles Carefully - After reading this chapter, two people immediately came to mind. There is one individual that I work with who fits the Charmer profile to a T!! She came to mind after reading the Pick Your Battles Carefully section. There is constant turmoil in her department because of her actions. She always wants credit for any positive event in her area. When talking to her, I constantly notice the "I" pronoun used a lot. It is not about her team; it is all about her. There are constant explosions between her and another individual in her department. When talking to people in this department, you can sense the stress and frustration they feel because of this one person's actions. Drama can be exhausting!!
ReplyDeleteKnow When To Turn Off the Charm - I work with another individual who I feel thinks he is God's gift to mankind! A little bit of him goes a LONG way. It is really hard to interact with him because he does not turn off the charm off and comes across as fake after a while. One also gets the sense that he is making a real effort to look good in the eyes of administration. He tends to ignore fellow coworkers in his quest to impress the big guys. As a result of his behavior, there has been a lot of grumbling amongst his coworkers.
After reading the Charmer chapters, I have a better understanding of the two individuals mentioned above. Hopefully it will help me be more aware of why they may be behaving in a certain manner. I know I am not perfect, but as a Pleaser, I try to get along with everyone. That is probably why I have a difficult time dealing with some people. Emotions are not important to them unless it is their own emotions that they are dealing with! Can't we all just get along!!
A couple people I have worked with come to mind as charmers, having trouble owning mistakes, and working for the good of the team, rather than individual promotion. When you get a glimpse of their history, they grew up with inconsistent, unsupportive parents. I wonder how long most charmers last in human services before they "flame out". Reading this leaves me wondering more how to help inspirer them to use their skills to advocate for what is best for students, rather than what they perceive may be best for their careers.
ReplyDeleteI have known a charmers who come from troubled backgrounds and use their charms to get what they want. When tring to look at them from a different perspective I could understand that this may be a defense mechinisim. My personality I think makes it easier to work w/ those types of personalities. Though I might be the sort to vent about it at another time and not confront the person.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this chapter I can see a member of my family fitting this role to a t! This family member never had to take the blame for anything and has continued to be handed everything by my parents (and now just my mom) because there is constant needing this and getting exactly what he wants. Due to that, my other siblings and myself really don't like our charmer!!! At school, I have a co-worker who is that way too. That person is constantly "brown-nosing" and volunteering and UGH! getting exactly the kudos that I'd love to get, but just don't have all the time and energy to apply to the situations.
ReplyDeleteMaking sure subordinates are heard is often something charmers fail to do. I worked for a superintendent quite a few years ago that didn't allow subordinates to be heard. This person operated on their own terms and didn't take other thoughts or opinions into consideration. This caused staff morale to be low.
ReplyDeleteLooking for opportunities to express sincere appreciation is really important. I currently have someone in the work place that often shows appreciation for all staff members. It is often in the form of a written note. She takes the time to hand write notes to individual people all the time for doing things both big and small. It sure makes me feel good when someone notices :).