Choose one of the Goals of a Pleaser to help them be a more effective powerful person and tell how it relates to you or someone you know. (no names please) or choose one of the goals and how NOT implementing it can affect you or someone you know at work.
Respond to 2 other people.
Establishing clear performance standards and enforcing discipline when expectations are not met. I don't know about the word "discipline" when working with my peers whom I consider to be equals on the team. I prefer the idea of consequences. Let's consider the human consequences when team members don't carry their own weight in having data entered in a timely fashion on evaluations. I typically have to send out emails requesting the information. My psych para has to organize the files into piles so that proofing can be done when everything is complete. HPEC Records staff have to wait for the paperwork to be scanned. The parents have to wait for the final version of the report, making the whole team seem less effective than would otherwise be the case. And most importantly of all if goals are not competed, how do we measure student progress and meet required reporting deadlines to parents if we don't know what is being measured? Most recently, I have been trying to send emails in advance to team members, giving them an itemized list of what is needed in the report. I think this will help our new staff most of all because often they are unsure of what to do and typically want to do a good job. To those who enter your data in a timely fashion, thank you. You make my job easier and the team and HPEC look better.
ReplyDeleteWhen the pleaser is a peer (pg 53) I so found myself in the protecting your turf paragraphs. Especially the part that says the pleaser is left "seething with resentment on the inside..." Those emotions are what gets me in trouble the most times is I've finally had enough of being pushed around and then I say something flippant and wham! to my boss' office I go being told I'm abrasive and not a team player. I love that the author says "It doesn't matter if they like you, it matters if they respect you." That is exactly me. I don't give a care if you "like" me, but you need to respect me and my job that I do everyday for your benefit and ease in your classroom. If there is someone who doesn't respect me, it sure makes it easy to stay away from them. I do realize though, that like the author states, conflict can be a good thing because it can air stuff out and since I'm the type to give a person 1 more chance to not backstab me, sometimes things just get better overall.
ReplyDeleteI just keep working and doing my job to the best of my ability and I'm lucky I have such awesome paras to talk to when things get me down.
The example given @ the end of the chapter is exactly what used to happen with me and another person until i finally stood up to that person and now I can pop into the room with no problems @ all.
Wow, sorry for being so negative everyone, but just being honest and answering the questions.
As a pleaser, I try hard to make everyone happy, even at my own expense. Sometimes, I over-commit to activities of organizations in which I belong because I hate to say ‘no.’ Then I feel overwhelmed because there isn’t enough time to get everything finished and do a really good job. I have no one to blame but myself.
ReplyDeleteI do not participate in ‘turf’ wars. They only make me feel badly and I have found other ways to deal with folks (at least most of the time). I still believe the old adage that says, “Kill them with kindness.” I seem to get further that way than with a head on collision.
In response to Linda, I don’t find myself seething on the inside; I do find myself feeling wounded when others don’t value my work or opinion. I follow three options: 1) I avoid that person or 2) I work harder to let them know I do have knowledge that would be helpful for the situation or 3)try to show them another way of accomplishing the task.
Don't expect to be friends with your staff-- I like people and I enjoy making others happy. In my youth, I took it very personally if someone did not like me. It felt like I was not good enough somehow. As I matured, I learned that I am who I am and if someone doesn't like me, then this is their business and has no reflection on my worth. You can't please everyone no matter how hard you try. With your staff you want them to view you as a supervisor, not a buddy. If you want a professional atmosphere at work, you need to maintain a professional attitude with co-workers, and staff. You can be friendly and professional at the same time. I think the book sums it up well in the quote,"It doesn't matter if they like you, it matters if they respect you."
ReplyDeleteAccept conflict as constructive-- When you do not implement this it can cause problems at work. I worked with a para in another state who had a hard time with this issue. When she was given a suggestion or recommendation for improvement she would burst into tears. She felt that we were attacking her personally. It made people around her feel uncomfortable and they would request that she work with another teacher the next year. Since she felt like these suggestions were made to pick on her, she did not follow them. Eventually she lost her job, because no one wanted her on their team.
~Alan-- Sending people reminders of thing they need to do is a thoughtful thing to do. When there are many people on a team, it is hard to get everything coordinated to run quickly and smoothly. I hope that the members of the team see it as a thoughtful reminder.
~Jerrie-- "Kill them with kindness" was one of my mom's favorite sayings. She always told me that even if it had no effect on the other person involved, you will feel better about yourself and your actions. If you take the other direction and get involved in the conflict, it can cause damage to your professional image. It may even damage work relationships and make your job so much more stressful.
Establishing clear performance standards and enforce consequences is a must. I find this difficult at times when managing my paras. I don't like confrontations but I do find if I do not follow through with checking that they are doing their job the consequence comes at the cost of my students. I get frustrated when I sit down with my staff and model how things are to be carried out and then they don't continue to follow through when I walk away. At times it does back fire on my staff and my students take their frustrations out on them, but I find I have to sit down with my staff over and over at times to re-show how they are to carry out a particular task. If I did not do this my students would fail and I would be failing my students. I also feel that when there is conflict among teaching staff it is imperative that the principal follow the same rules as stated above follow through do not ride the fence otherwise you burn out staff and cause friction among them and in the long run it is the students who suffer.
ReplyDeleteEstablishing clear performance standards and enforce consequences is a must: This is something that many people struggle with even though it is important and necessary to do if you are a boss. Pleasers have an attendancey to worry to much about other peoples feelings and can eaily be walked all over. I sometimes find myself in this situation. I never thought I would be a boss, but now that I am a teacher and I have paras, I have to be. I really love my job but the part I hate is having to confront my paras when there is a problem. I know I have to especially so that they can try to make the change, but it is hard because you worry about how they will take it and if there feelings will be hurt.
ReplyDeleteAmy- I have the same situations with my paras has well. Sometimes I feel no matter how many times I tell them and show them they just go back to there old ways and it is frustrating.
Izilla- I think that is awesome you have paras that you can go to that can help you when things get frustrating. I also have that and I am grateful for that.
Prioritize respect over affection- I want my coworkers to like me, but respect is much more important to a work relationship than friendship. Coming into this job as my first year of professional work, the coworkers I have (most of them) are well established in their job. I want them to like me and I also like to please people. I need to work on being a supervisor to my para, and not trying to be her buddy. She is very good at her job and I don't have to make sure she's "doing things right" as much as other paras.
ReplyDeleteDclodfelter- I can relate to your first paragraph about not expecting your staff to be your friends. I really like the quote, "It doesn't matter if they like you, it matters if they respect you." This is very true, but hard to remember all of the time.
Alan- I like that you send reminders to your team members. As a new team member, I appreciate when others do that sort of thing. It's great because then I know exactly what is expected. I want to do my best and that would only help me.
The work place is not where we should be seeking social validation was the theme throughout chapter three; I couldn't agree more. As a special ed teacher, I feel that it is especially important that I be respected (even if I am not necessarily liked) by the entire faculty and staff at my school. It seems that as soon as you start seeking the approval of one click, you have yourself in hot water with another, and pretty soon you can't please anyone. That is why I have always avoided becoming buddies with one of the school clicks. I also advise my paras not to become entrenched with any one group.
ReplyDeleteAlan-Sending out those reminder emails is a very thoughtful and proactive way to encourage everyone on the team to get their part done. If you've figured out a way to get people to actually pay attention to the emails you send them, please share with us, because I would love to know how to accomplish that!
dclodfelter-You made an excellent point when you said, "...I learned that I am who I am and if someone doesn't like me, then this is their business and has no reflection on my worth." Our worth is not determined by whether or not our coworkers and paras like us as a person. But rather, whether or not we are doing our jobs in a manner that other respect.
For me it is the "project an image of strength". It is something that I have to constantly work on. Everyone wants everyone else to like them and when in positions of leadership that does not happen. I constantly have to work on self confidence. It really helps if you have done your research ahead of time and know the answers going in. Rely on your data and be fearless. It never hurts to be able to say "Let me find out and I will get back to you" rather than giving out information that may or may not be accurate. I often feel that when we go into a "hot" staffing it is I who should take the "heat". After all I get to walk out the door and leave, staff have to stay on work daily with the others. I don't want a "Heated" situation to hinder that working relationship.
ReplyDeleteI also think the constant of trying to be strong and self-confident can also take a toll on the pleaser. Standing up for yourself and others is a skilled that has to be learned for some, while to others it just comes naturally.
We thank you for taking the "heat" for us sometimes! It really helps to have some support when there are issues that arise. I agree with you that for some the skill of standing up for yourself must be learned.
DeleteAccept Conflict as Constructive-I love the line "conflict signals passion." Many times I have witnessed conflict between teachers over how to teach a student, when what both of them want is for the student to learn and progress. I do think it is beneficial when this type of conflict is embraced instead of avoided. I have seen it result in much better outcomes for students. I also know when I feel passionately about something, I am willing to face conflict. There was a situation last spring I felt passionate about and disagreed with the team causing some conflict. Even though the team did not change their decision, I'm glad I stood up for my beliefs and what I thought was best for the student.
ReplyDeleteMarcy-I appreciate HPEC administration taking the "heat" at times. You are correct you can walk out the door and often when you return the fire has either burnt itself out or is reduced to hot coals.
Ashley-Confronting someone who is not doing their job is never easy. Sometimes I am guilty of not confronting them as soon as I should because I like to believe they will self-correct. It is easier for me now than it was when I first started my job though.
Don't expect to be friends with your staff-I think there is a fine line when it comes to how you interpret that statement. I feel you need to build a relationship with others around you-I have learned that in the last few years with my job description changing. I am an Early Childhood Teacher and I work with a variety of people in a variety of settings-I have to learn to develop quality relationships with the teachers and parents I work with, so they will listen and follow through with "programs" I/we set up for the children we work with. I feel I am friends with all the teachers I work with. So I don't know if I completely agree with that statement.
ReplyDeleteJerrie-"killing them with kindness" does work-I lived this first hand when I moved to SC. There was a certain person I had to deal with on a daily morning routine that would not acknowledge my presence let alone speak to me even when we were face to face. I had to suck up my pride and when I would walk by him, I would almost over exaggerate my hello to him. After months of me saying hi even though he wouldn't respond, he finally started saying hi and we eventually had a good relationship before he moved to another job.
Amy-I agree with managing paras is VERY difficult at times and that's a part of the job that is not so pleasant. I am fortune to have a para that will take direction and follow through-sometimes things I forget she remembers and does.
Don’t expect to be a friend with your staff is a power play I learned early on as a special education teacher. This is especially true if you have a charmer para that would like to run the show. I have found that I need to focus on my job first and foremost and not worry about who I am pleasing. Sitting down with a para to explain what you expect from them is not always easy and I know I don’t score any popularity points for it but in the end it is what works the best. Like the book suggested, I can always go back to this person later on a more personal note when it is more appropriate time. I think they will respect me more if I am honest. I don’t expect to be best friends with everyone I work with, but I do expect them to be respectful to be around.
ReplyDeleteJamie K- I liked your comments on prioritizing respect over affection I think we all want people to like us and by earning their respect they will like us.
dclodfelter- Your statement about feeling you were not good enough somehow rang a bell with me as well. I don’t think any of us, even as adults like to be criticized because it does leave one feeling uneasy.
For me the most important thing I can do is to remember not to overextend myself. There are times that I have to take a deep breath, relax and not take on to much. My biggest downfall can sometimes be that I try to do to much and then there is not enough time for just me or I mistakenly double book myself.
ReplyDeleteDon't expect to be friends with your staff - and clear performance standards are words I need to heed. I've known that some things in the my classroom needed to change - but I'm like everyone else; I like people to like me. I really try to be respecful about their strengths and how they add to our team. Thank goodness another colleague had done the tough "leg work" on writing out some clear performance standards. I think that helped me clarify my expectations and also look at myself and hold the bar high for myself; not just others. I think sitting down and talking about the issues helped all of us. Guess time will truly tell. I think in the long run as many of you have said; that the clear expectations and not expecting everyone to like you will make for a better working relationship. I don't like conflict so have really been thinking about the statement that conflict signals that people are passionate about thier beliefs and that is a good thing....
ReplyDeleteMarcy: I so appreciate HPEC taking the heat - and advising on difficult situations. Thank you for the reminder about doing the research ahead of time.
Alan: I appreciate your e-mails before staffing and your help during and after the staffing. As a newbie those have helped me tremendously.
Part of this chapter reminded me of a superintendent I encountered while doing my practicum. He had a lot of trouble with “Establish Clear Performance Standards and Enforce Discipline When These Are Not Met” and “Don’t Expect to Be ‘Friends’ With Your Staff.” He played favorites with his faculty/staff and, depending on the situation, different rules would apply to different people. Additionally, more so than being friends with his staff, he would try to be friends with all of the students and their parents. Rather than avoiding conflict, which I think is what he was ultimately trying to do, his behavior was definitely the source of quite a few problems.
ReplyDeleteJerrie~
I relate to your comment about killing people with kindness. Whenever I vent (usually to my parents or best friend), sometimes the advice I get in return is to do something that I feel is more negative. I don’t do anything like that, but continue to be as pleasant as I possibly can and hope that my attitude (although at times, not the MOST genuine, haha!) rubs off on others. I agree with you in that this way of going about things seems to work out better than having a “head on collision.”
Karen~
I really liked when you mentioned you try to hold the bar high for yourself and not just others. I’ve seen quite a few people in leadership positions who aren’t shy at all about conveying their expectations and standards to everyone around them, but if the shoe ever ended up on the other foot, the ENTIRE situation changed. Also, personally, I know I respect people a lot more when they lead by example.
Marcy~
As others have mentioned, I greatly appreciate HPEC taking the heat and advising in situations when I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle it on my own. Especially as someone new coming in, that kind of support is amazing (and from talking with others in the field, not always as easy to find as it is with HPEC). Thank you so much for all you do!!!
Establishing clear performance standards and enforce consequences - As a teacher, this can be difficult for me. Since I tend to be a Pleaser, I want others to like me. In addition, I do not like conflict. Therefore, when I have to speak to my paras about a situation, it is difficult. There are times when I let it drag out before I finally sit down and talk to a para. This is harder for me with adults. I do not seem to have the same problem with students.
ReplyDeleteJerrie, I totally will kill some with kindness when they step on my toes! I like to make sure I smile and tell them hi! In one respect, I know we have to get along with all teachers so they do not penalize our students. On the other hand, I want them to wonder what the heck is wrong with me!!
I really liked Craddock's statement on p.55, Pleasers want to fix feelings first and the problem second. She states that with a peer on the job, these priorities need to be reversed. I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings and sometimes it happens. Even though you tried to fix a problem first, then feelings, sometimes or I guess some people can't be fixed, they don't get over it-they don't move on. I think about a time when my feelings were hurt but a problem was fixed through bullying- by a peer-it still eats at me. On the other hand if a problem arose and it was resolved differently than what I expected This is a topic that could be discussed in a whole chapter!
ReplyDeleteBeing a new teacher my first instinct was to get others to like me, but what I found out is that not everyone is going to. This isn't a bad thing to find out, because it molded my thinking in a positive direction. I especially liked the author's quote on 54 - " It doesn't matter if they like you. It matters if they respect you." Even now, after I have accepted the previous notion, this quote puts it into perspective what I should refocus my time on.
ReplyDeletedclodfelter - I also felt this part of the book was great. Having staff that is the same age as me was a little tricky at first because my initial response it to befriend someone. You can still be friendly with someone, but keeping in mind that at the end of the day I am still their boss has helped keep my interactions with them at the place it needs to be.
Cara - I have done this same thing, but my student teaching experience really helped me see how I can handle case loads through allowing others to help. One of my teachers was an amazing manager, and the other was really called to be teacher because of how much passion she had for planning and implementing lessons. Not saying the first one wasn't great at teaching, she was, but the second one would have benefited from learning how to allow others to help her. I am thankful for seeing both of their positive teaching styles.
I like the quote too. I really believe that you should work hard and seek to earn respect first. Respect goes a long way in the world of education.
DeleteI always embrace pushback - I love to converse with my staff. My staff rarely argues with me. However, they often have questions. Sometimes the questions don't deal with students. They often deal with teachers and district issues. I try to stay informed so that I can talk through things with my paraeducators. If I don't know an answer or am unsure I seek out answers and then revisit the issue later. Being open to conversation allows me to have a great relationship with the paraeduators I work with.
ReplyDelete"Establish Clear Performance Standards and Enforce Discipline When These are Not Met" - I have a hard time balancing listening to ideas, input, and issues with enforcing discipline for standards not met. I'm always looking for ways to hold others accountable that do not damage their status within the team thereby making them less effective.
ReplyDeleteand yes Marcy- we do appreciate you taking the heat