Pleasers strengths include zeroing in on what each individual needs to feel special – one person at a time – is what makes some of us so good with students. Through making students feel special, we build relationships, encourage students, increase self-worth, and hopefully, increase graduation rates. The ability to relate one-to-one with others makes other people feel important and needed. I believe this is why students return to visit with me year after year; they know I value their worth. I do appreciate being acknowledged for a job well done, a simple thank you works wonders! On the flip side, it is pretty easy to not be assertive with my peers (bullies). I do withdraw and stay off the radar with aggressive peers. I look for subtle ways to work with bullies; creating conflict with them is costly for my students and to sleep habits. I tend to worry and fret rather than face them ‘head on.’ I do steal myself for a ‘showdown,’ but it is uncomfortable to me.
I see myself as likely being a Pleaser, though I haven't read the entire book, so take that for what it's worth. I try to see the positives in those with whom I work. This may give me some intuition, but I'm a guy and how intuitive are guys? It more likely gives me empathy for others and their circumstances. Because I care about the circumstances of others, I see myself as being a good listener. I also see myself as being a hard worker and as, hopefully, being diplomatic. However on the Blind Spot side, because I don't like hurting anyone's feelings, I have a harder time standing up to bullies, those who don't carry their weight on the team, and those who are sometimes unreasonable.
On page 27, where it talks about highly intuitive, that so fits me believe it or not. Anytime I am at a function where there are older adults, I will be the first one up to help get them something or I will serve them or help them get seated, etc. Also here @ school, I try to get trash ready for pickup in my classroom and will wipe down desks so the janitor doesn't have to (if I have time). I heard a speaker from some troubled girls' school (Green porch or front porch home for girls or something like that) that said just 1 little act of doing something for yourself and not relying on anyone else to do it can help out both parties.
The blind spot of standing up to bullies at work is so me too! Instead of confronting, I usually end up just b**ing in my classroom or generally being hacked off at that person and then avoid them. BUT, I WAS NOT RAISED IN A HOME LIKE THIS!!! My parents treated me like a princess and so did my brothers...this behavior has been learned being a 1. woman in a man's world and 2. being in a school setting with bullies who have been teaching longer than myself. I do have a need for external validation and hardly ever gets it in my school setting, but I certainly don't try to try to sabotage the system because those repercussions would lose me my job.
I am one who never wants to make anyone wait on me hand and foot. I was brought up to always help out and never should be asked to get up off my duff and do something. I never can say No to people I want to help out and that is prob one of my down falls or blind spot as it is called is that I don't say NO and can't I want to feel needed so that is why I don't say No. As an only child my childhood was spent being amongst adults most of the time at family things so therefore I had a lot of those adult qualities early on. Again not a good thing as the book pointed out. I love to help others and to problem solve but I hate confrontations so I can advocate for my students really well but when it comes to dealing with other adults with my own issues I will take the back seat and not speak up. I can go to meetings with my agenda all practiced out as to what I want to say and how I am going to stand my ground but then I find when it gets to my turn I am afraid people will see my concerns or complaints as nothing to take up time with so I will just pass and act like I have nothing to discuss or complain about. When it is all said and done and I have walked away I fret and stew and complain to myself about the should have dones!
As an SLP, I am trained to not only listen to what people are saying, but also (perhaps more importantly) listen to HOW a person is saying it - tone of voice, rate of speech, body language, etc. I have found that I do this not only when evaluating children, but also when speaking with my colleagues, friends, and family. Most of what people communicate is conveyed nonverbally. This very much relates to the 'Good Listener' strength of Pleasers.
The blind spot I relate to personally is the family background. My father was overworked as I was growing up and it was hard for me to get attention from him. He worked nights at his job, then farmed during the days. It was difficult for him to come to my school events; programs and sports games. The few times he did, he would comment on how good the other players were, and how I needed to be like them. This helped to form me into not expecting too much, but doing everything I can do try to do my best. If you don't expect much, then you can't be let down. I have also been brought up to do my very best in life, and that's all that anyone can do or expect from you.
I'm definitely not a Pleaser; in fact, I am probably the total opposite. However, I was able to relate to a couple traits they possess. My mom worked with my dad in his construction business in an era when few mothers worked outside of the home. Both of my parents worked long hours so my older sister and I pretty much raised our younger siblings. That probably was the factor that influenced how hard I work to take care of the needs of others. As far as blind spots, I have to confess that I'm a covert complainer. I complain way too much and do too little to change the circumstances that I don't like. One of my favorite sayings is, "If you aren't working to be part of the solution, you are probably part of the problem." I have to remind myself of that frequently so I will be willing to get involved with changing how things are instead of just sitting back and complaining all the time.
Alan, I would say that you are a great Pleaser. You are one of the few people I know who always finds the good, frequently affirms those around you, and are a very good listener. You've sure listened to me complain enough over the years!
Jerrie, I also see you as a Pleaser because you are so good at putting others at ease. Just from the interactions that I have had with you, I would say that relationship building with your students is probably a very high priority with you. I am sure that your students know you are in their corner and will support them no matter what.
When I taught 4th grade, my team exhibited the trait of the hard worker. We were always the first to arrive at work,(over an hour early.) We were also the last ones to leave at night, sometimes after 9:00 pm. This was also in the blind spot category of being loyal to a fault. We were proud of our school and our students achievements. We kept an A+ rating for four years in a row. We were working so hard to benefit our students and keep our A+ rating that we were neglecting our own families and our needs. We were so stressed and run down that it started to manifest in physical ailments. By the time I got home from work, my daughters were in bed and I wouldn't see them except on weekends. I needed to rethink my strategies to still give my students what they needed for success, yet leave enough time for family and downtime for myself.
~Jerrie--- I agree that the trait of zeroing in what makes people feel good about themselves help a lot in teaching, I also believe that if more people who work with young people were adept at helping to raise a child's self-worth, we would see much greater success over all in student achievement.
~Jamie-- I can relate to the issue with a distant father. Mine was a Marine Drill Sargent. His job not only kept him away a lot, but it taught him to be sparse with praise and heavy with punishment. He would bark orders instead of asking. In the end I think it made me work harder and try to be nicer to gain his attention.
I related to the Pleaser qualities in that you will do anything for a company or organization. When I was younger I worked on a lot of campaigns and I loved being the one that people would come to to help out. I would be the first one there and would stay until the end to get the job done. It was a lot of fun to feel that needed, to see your hard work pay off for something greater than yourself, and be appreciated by those way above you. Like the story in the book, you give to others to the fault of your own. You get passed over or someone else's hard work is showcased instead of yours, even though you know that you had invested much more effort and time into the situation than they did. Once this downfall happens, it changes you. You learn to turn things down when it doesn't work for you and to balance your needs with others. I still love the feeling of giving to others and of a job well done, but I hope to always have a balance in the future :)
I love the feeling of giving to others and also of doing a job well too! I agree with you that balance is the key. I think we all have to be unbalanced in order to figure out that we need to maintain balance in order to feel good and be successful.
Jamie - My Dad's philosophy on people has helped me put into perspective those individuals that continually have let me down in the past - "you can't change people, so don't expect anything different from that that they have previously shown you." It is something that I have to repeatedly tell myself with some friends who aren't as loyal as I would expect, but it is freeing from personally feeling of failing the relationship in some way. Jerrie - I think your point that our kids are affected by the conflict that arises from our peers that have the power genes of a bully is straight on. Many times this fact gets overlooked by those individuals that like conflict, but it isn't overlooked by the kids. They can feel the tension and their scores mirror their environment's negativity. Therefore, we must try to diminish the insecurities and conflict within our buildings to do what's best for the kids.
I would have to say I also see myself has a pleaser. I am sure I can find myself in other parts of the quadrant, but for the most part I really feel like this one fits me to a T. I see myself has a good listener. I think in this line of work in order to be successful you kind of have to be. I try to listen to what people have to say and help find answers. I don't have all the answers but I at least listen and try. I also see myself has a hardworker. To me these are just skills that are me. I would have to say that my blind spot would be? This is kinda hard for me to narrow down. I think I have a lot of blind spots. First of all I have a hard time advocating for myself. I don't like to do this, because I always end up making someone mad and that bothers me more than if it affects me. I also have a big need for external validation. I am really good with people I am familiar with otherwise I do not like being around people I am not comfortable with because I don't always feel that I measure up to them. The last one that I see is I am a very emotional person and I have a tendency to take criticism very personal even if it wasn't intended. Wow I have always been told that I have these issues(blind spots) but never really believed it until I starting reading them in the book. I guess I have been in denial.
I am not sure that I’m a Pleaser (maybe I am, because I’m a bit of a nurturer) but I think that I am intuitive. I feel like that helps me as I work with students, families and team members. Although I feel that I listen “from the gut” and read body language and tone of voice, I think that I’m not as good as listener as I would like to be.
My Blind Spots are definitely “standing up for myself” and “dealing with bullies”. I’m learning that conflict is not necessarily bad and with the encouragement from colleagues I’m learning to both “stand up for myself” and “deal with bullies”.
Alan: I for one (as a newbie) appreciate your empathy and diplomacy! I appreciate the diplomatic way you handled the meeting w/ the young lady. I know that I need to work on diplomacy…… I do try to remember my Dad’s admonition to being kind to people (don’t “burn any bridges – you never know when you might need to re-cross them). I often fail at diplomacy when I feel I’m being pressured or bullied.
Heidi: I can relate to “the downfall” when you've invested a lot into a situation and it isn’t to your benefit. Like you, I’ve learned to turn things down when it doesn’t work for me and balance my needs with others. Or I should say I’m learning…..sometimes it’s hard to do that when colleagues try to make you fit their agenda or say ”but it’s always been that way” or better yet, “if you(teachers) were really dedicated they would……”
When I was reading this chapter, one person kept coming to mind. This person has a personality that others are drawn to and has a way of making those around her feel good about themselves. She is a very hard worker and attention to detail is very important to her. A blind spot is her tendency to avoid conflict at all cost. She will sacrifice herself and her values to some extent to avoid conflict.
When reading about the need for validation, I thought about those who frequently say "Nobody notices everything I do around here." How often do we hear a similar comment in the work place?
I know what you mean when you talk about people that feel a need for validation. They need to hear that they did a wonderful job for each little thing they do. I wish more people could feel good about the things they do because their actions helped someone. It is nice to hear the words, but we shouldn't need to have them said all the time. We should feel good just knowing our work has helped someone in some way.
I think I am on the intuitive side of the Pleaser. I believe in empathy as a way of building relationships with others. Relationships play such a huge role in what we do in education. Even the research backs that up. If you aren't here for the kids you might as well not be here. I also think its part of not being judgemental. Until you have walked a mile in someone else's moccasins you have no idea what their life is really like. As to the intuitive piece, I believe it helps to be able to read body language and then "trust your gut instinct" when it is trying to tell you something.
One of the things I often talk to teachers about is "growing thick skin" and to "not take it personally" when someone criticizes you. But that is HARD to do. We happen to be in a professional where criticism is often the conversation of the day. Others that do not like what we are doing, how we are doing it, should do more or don't like the kids we work with and the list goes on. Its hard to not take it personally. The one thing that helps me get through it is to remember why I got into teaching in the first place and why I am here today. Many times it is not the kids around us that give us the problems we deal with it is the adults around us that give us the most grief.
I find that I like hanging out with pleasers as they always make me feel good. They have some very good traits that can be admired like; being a good listener, hardworking, and diplomatic. I can relate to all of those traits and I think most teachers have to try and emulate these qualities with their students to get them to respond and work much of the time. On the downside of being a pleaser is it is hard for them to advocate for themselves, stand up to the bullies, loyal to a fault, and the need for external validation. These are the qualities we try to get our students to watch out for so they will be more successful in school. We want them to become independent thinkers and not always be a pleaser themselves. I have a colleague who is always the first person to arrive and is usually one of the last people to leave the building and will do anything someone would ask them. Everyone loves all the work they do for us and complements them on it, which now knowing from the book, is why they do it. They have not learned to advocate for themselves and say “NO”. We need to not only try to educate our students to advocate and stand up for themselves but our co-workers as well. Knowing why people do this puts a new perspective on understanding them.
One of the strengths of pleaser is a hardworker-I feel that is a strength of mine. I was raised to work hard and be proud of what you do. I try to do my best and if I don't know something-I will go try to find the answer from someone else or somewhere else. I somewhat disagree with the statement about a pleaser not being validated in their family system. I feel I was given appropriate attention and didn't feel like I had to "fight" to win approval of any of my family members when I was growing up. I think some of my pleaser qualities come from what my parents taught me-no because they didn't have time for me and that I needed approval from others. A blindspot I feel I have is that of difficulty advocating for myself-to a certain extent. I want to please others and if making myself "miserable" makes it better for others I will do that. I find myself doing that more at home than I do at work.
Linda-your comment about helping older adults is so true. I have seen you help at the nursing home and how you care for them. I admire that trait, because I struggle with that! Thanks for taking the time to care for them. Amy-your comment about not liking conflict and not speaking your mind when you want to-I so relate. I too have rehearsed what I'm going to say and when it comes to saying it, I back down, because I don't want to cause conflict!
In my family I never felt left out or that I was not important. While I am a people pleaser and want to see the best in people and help them if I can I do not think I was ignored (this would be my blind spot). My brothers have always been protective of me and made sure that nothing bad happened to me. I have always been like a second mother to them and their friends. Growing up I learned to play what games/activities my brothers did because otherwise I would have been left out. I learned to adapt and be tough so I wasn't left out.
I think being a hard worker is one of the Pleaser’s strengths that relates to me. Craddock says, “the Pleaser’s tireless work ethic was often fostered in a family system where they were accustomed to scarcity and conditioned to give more than they got” (p. 29). However, I don’t think that statement really relates to my situation. I had a great home life, and I can’t remember a time when I ever felt as if my emotional/physical/spiritual needs weren’t being met because of scarcity. Also, I guess I grew up with the mindset that what I put into a situation was what I would get out of it. I didn’t believe I was ever putting in more than what I was getting. In my mind, it seemed as though things evened out pretty well in the end.
I think “Difficulty Standing Up To Bullies At Work” is definitely one of my blind spots. I do not like conflict and try my best to avoid it whenever possible, but I don’t think this is necessarily because my parents didn’t teach me how to “’push back’ on the playing field early in life” (p. 32). They’ve always expressed that I should stand up for myself, but I wasn’t brought up to act in a situation based solely on what I want/think without regard for others. I would rather strike a compromise and hopefully have everyone come out a winner in the end. However, in some cases, I also think that no matter what happens, the bully’s mindset might be pretty rigid, and “pushing back” might not do anything to help the situation.
Debi~ I completely relate to being a covert complainer. God bless my parents, they’re usually the ones who end up being the lucky listeners. They’re also usually the ones who make suggestions as to what I could do to help the situation. Most of the time though, I just feel like I’m too young or inexperienced, and my actions really wouldn’t make a difference anyway, so I just keep venting and hope that eventually things will change. Good way of thinking, huh???
Heidi~ Your comment about the “downfall” that happens once your hard work and effort doesn’t receive the recognition you feel it should reminded me of college and grad school. I worked my tail off during college because receiving a good education and grades was always emphasized in my family. My downfall happened during 1 of my graduate courses when I felt as though I didn’t receive the grade that I should have on an assignment. I don’t have a problem accepting lower scores if I didn’t put in the effort, but I legitimately felt as though I didn’t get what I deserved. Honestly, I was pretty bitter over it for quite awhile (longer than I should have been anyway), but out of the situation I realized it wasn’t the end of the world, and I learned how to better balance out each aspect of my life (rather than ignoring everything but my grades).
The Pleaser strength that I tend to see in myself is the hard worker. I put in hours getting things organized for my students. When they need something, I am willing to put in the extra time to help them be successful. There have been days when I have had students in my room working until 5:00 in the evening. I know that my family background has contributed to this "strength." However, I do not believe that it was because I was lacking in some area as I was growing up. I feel that I have this strength because my parents were role models and were constantly working.
A blind spot that I feel that I have is difficulty advocating for myself. I have always been taught not to "brag" about myself so it is hard to stand up for myself. However, after many, many years of teaching, I am better at being a self-advocate. It is something that I push for my students because I feel that they need to be able to step up and speak for themselves.
I am late getting this blog posted! I think I can relate to the -superb diplomat- but in my case, I wouldn't attach the adjective superb. It is just a skill that is necessary as a school psychologist. When I walk away from a tense situation and I feel I handled it with diplomacy, It is rewarding. As with any situation where there is disagreements, being able to look at the whole picture, allow everyone to feel empowered, know the emotional needs of those involved-respect those needs-conflicts can be resolved and people's dignity and feelings are saved! Of course during these conflicts needing mediation, sometimes there are bullies. I would rather hide from bullies, it would be easier but we must use diplomacy and deal with them in the ideal world. Pleasers, according to Craddock, are highly intuitive. Knowing what kind of personalities your dealing with helps to prepare for those situations. At least for me, I can handle difficult people if I know what I am up against.
For some reason I am a highly intuitive person. I am not sure why I have this strength. In most situations I am able to handle things well when it comes to interactions with people. (I said most - not all :)) Maybe it is because my mother is really intuitive and I learned this from her. A good example of this is dealing with parents. I know when immediate confrontation is needed and when a "cooling-off" period is needed prior to the confrontation.
My huge blind spot is difficulty advocating for myself. I am very supportive of everyone. I rarely ask for things. I have goals. However, I am willing put mine on the back-burner in order to support others. I am already working on this one. My husband even encourages me to make decisions with regards to myself! If I ever get the hang of it he better watch out! :)
I think I fall closest to the pleaser category. I see relationships as an important part of getting to the goal of providing quality education. I don't mind burning the midnight oil most times to make things go more smoothly for others. The goals I set for myself early in life were to designed to please my parents. I'm the 3rd generation in education afterall. I prefer to avoid bullies in meetings and have to think to avoid that pitfall, not take it personally, and stand up for what I think is best. My initial reactions tend to be intuitive, then I check the data to back it up, before sharing. It makes sense to me that there are a lot of pleasers drawn to human services and it is a good fit for many - can make it hard to reach true consensus in meetings though. Pleasers don't always state their opinions until asked directly.
Pleasers strengths include zeroing in on what each individual needs to feel special – one person at a time – is what makes some of us so good with students. Through making students feel special, we build relationships, encourage students, increase self-worth, and hopefully, increase graduation rates. The ability to relate one-to-one with others makes other people feel important and needed. I believe this is why students return to visit with me year after year; they know I value their worth. I do appreciate being acknowledged for a job well done, a simple thank you works wonders! On the flip side, it is pretty easy to not be assertive with my peers (bullies). I do withdraw and stay off the radar with aggressive peers. I look for subtle ways to work with bullies; creating conflict with them is costly for my students and to sleep habits. I tend to worry and fret rather than face them ‘head on.’ I do steal myself for a ‘showdown,’ but it is uncomfortable to me.
ReplyDeleteI see myself as likely being a Pleaser, though I haven't read the entire book, so take that for what it's worth. I try to see the positives in those with whom I work. This may give me some intuition, but I'm a guy and how intuitive are guys? It more likely gives me empathy for others and their circumstances. Because I care about the circumstances of others, I see myself as being a good listener. I also see myself as being a hard worker and as, hopefully, being diplomatic. However on the Blind Spot side, because I don't like hurting anyone's feelings, I have a harder time standing up to bullies, those who don't carry their weight on the team, and those who are sometimes unreasonable.
ReplyDeleteOn page 27, where it talks about highly intuitive, that so fits me believe it or not. Anytime I am at a function where there are older adults, I will be the first one up to help get them something or I will serve them or help them get seated, etc. Also here @ school, I try to get trash ready for pickup in my classroom and will wipe down desks so the janitor doesn't have to (if I have time). I heard a speaker from some troubled girls' school (Green porch or front porch home for girls or something like that) that said just 1 little act of doing something for yourself and not relying on anyone else to do it can help out both parties.
ReplyDeleteThe blind spot of standing up to bullies at work is so me too! Instead of confronting, I usually end up just b**ing in my classroom or generally being hacked off at that person and then avoid them. BUT, I WAS NOT RAISED IN A HOME LIKE THIS!!! My parents treated me like a princess and so did my brothers...this behavior has been learned being a 1. woman in a man's world and 2. being in a school setting with bullies who have been teaching longer than myself. I do have a need for external validation and hardly ever gets it in my school setting, but I certainly don't try to try to sabotage the system because those repercussions would lose me my job.
I am one who never wants to make anyone wait on me hand and foot. I was brought up to always help out and never should be asked to get up off my duff and do something. I never can say No to people I want to help out and that is prob one of my down falls or blind spot as it is called is that I don't say NO and can't I want to feel needed so that is why I don't say No. As an only child my childhood was spent being amongst adults most of the time at family things so therefore I had a lot of those adult qualities early on. Again not a good thing as the book pointed out. I love to help others and to problem solve but I hate confrontations so I can advocate for my students really well but when it comes to dealing with other adults with my own issues I will take the back seat and not speak up. I can go to meetings with my agenda all practiced out as to what I want to say and how I am going to stand my ground but then I find when it gets to my turn I am afraid people will see my concerns or complaints as nothing to take up time with so I will just pass and act like I have nothing to discuss or complain about. When it is all said and done and I have walked away I fret and stew and complain to myself about the should have dones!
ReplyDeleteAs an SLP, I am trained to not only listen to what people are saying, but also (perhaps more importantly) listen to HOW a person is saying it - tone of voice, rate of speech, body language, etc. I have found that I do this not only when evaluating children, but also when speaking with my colleagues, friends, and family. Most of what people communicate is conveyed nonverbally. This very much relates to the 'Good Listener' strength of Pleasers.
ReplyDeleteThe blind spot I relate to personally is the family background. My father was overworked as I was growing up and it was hard for me to get attention from him. He worked nights at his job, then farmed during the days. It was difficult for him to come to my school events; programs and sports games. The few times he did, he would comment on how good the other players were, and how I needed to be like them. This helped to form me into not expecting too much, but doing everything I can do try to do my best. If you don't expect much, then you can't be let down. I have also been brought up to do my very best in life, and that's all that anyone can do or expect from you.
I'm definitely not a Pleaser; in fact, I am probably the total opposite. However, I was able to relate to a couple traits they possess. My mom worked with my dad in his construction business in an era when few mothers worked outside of the home. Both of my parents worked long hours so my older sister and I pretty much raised our younger siblings. That probably was the factor that influenced how hard I work to take care of the needs of others. As far as blind spots, I have to confess that I'm a covert complainer. I complain way too much and do too little to change the circumstances that I don't like. One of my favorite sayings is, "If you aren't working to be part of the solution, you are probably part of the problem." I have to remind myself of that frequently so I will be willing to get involved with changing how things are instead of just sitting back and complaining all the time.
ReplyDeleteAlan, I would say that you are a great Pleaser. You are one of the few people I know who always finds the good, frequently affirms those around you, and are a very good listener. You've sure listened to me complain enough over the years!
Jerrie, I also see you as a Pleaser because you are so good at putting others at ease. Just from the interactions that I have had with you, I would say that relationship building with your students is probably a very high priority with you. I am sure that your students know you are in their corner and will support them no matter what.
When I taught 4th grade, my team exhibited the trait of the hard worker. We were always the first to arrive at work,(over an hour early.) We were also the last ones to leave at night, sometimes after 9:00 pm. This was also in the blind spot category of being loyal to a fault. We were proud of our school and our students achievements. We kept an A+ rating for four years in a row. We were working so hard to benefit our students and keep our A+ rating that we were neglecting our own families and our needs. We were so stressed and run down that it started to manifest in physical ailments. By the time I got home from work, my daughters were in bed and I wouldn't see them except on weekends. I needed to rethink my strategies to still give my students what they needed for success, yet leave enough time for family and downtime for myself.
ReplyDelete~Jerrie--- I agree that the trait of zeroing in what makes people feel good about themselves help a lot in teaching, I also believe that if more people who work with young people were adept at helping to raise a child's self-worth, we would see much greater success over all in student achievement.
~Jamie-- I can relate to the issue with a distant father. Mine was a Marine Drill Sargent. His job not only kept him away a lot, but it taught him to be sparse with praise and heavy with punishment. He would bark orders instead of asking. In the end I think it made me work harder and try to be nicer to gain his attention.
I related to the Pleaser qualities in that you will do anything for a company or organization. When I was younger I worked on a lot of campaigns and I loved being the one that people would come to to help out. I would be the first one there and would stay until the end to get the job done. It was a lot of fun to feel that needed, to see your hard work pay off for something greater than yourself, and be appreciated by those way above you. Like the story in the book, you give to others to the fault of your own. You get passed over or someone else's hard work is showcased instead of yours, even though you know that you had invested much more effort and time into the situation than they did. Once this downfall happens, it changes you. You learn to turn things down when it doesn't work for you and to balance your needs with others. I still love the feeling of giving to others and of a job well done, but I hope to always have a balance in the future :)
ReplyDeleteI love the feeling of giving to others and also of doing a job well too! I agree with you that balance is the key. I think we all have to be unbalanced in order to figure out that we need to maintain balance in order to feel good and be successful.
DeleteJamie - My Dad's philosophy on people has helped me put into perspective those individuals that continually have let me down in the past - "you can't change people, so don't expect anything different from that that they have previously shown you." It is something that I have to repeatedly tell myself with some friends who aren't as loyal as I would expect, but it is freeing from personally feeling of failing the relationship in some way.
ReplyDeleteJerrie - I think your point that our kids are affected by the conflict that arises from our peers that have the power genes of a bully is straight on. Many times this fact gets overlooked by those individuals that like conflict, but it isn't overlooked by the kids. They can feel the tension and their scores mirror their environment's negativity. Therefore, we must try to diminish the insecurities and conflict within our buildings to do what's best for the kids.
I would have to say I also see myself has a pleaser. I am sure I can find myself in other parts of the quadrant, but for the most part I really feel like this one fits me to a T. I see myself has a good listener. I think in this line of work in order to be successful you kind of have to be. I try to listen to what people have to say and help find answers. I don't have all the answers but I at least listen and try. I also see myself has a hardworker. To me these are just skills that are me. I would have to say that my blind spot would be? This is kinda hard for me to narrow down. I think I have a lot of blind spots. First of all I have a hard time advocating for myself. I don't like to do this, because I always end up making someone mad and that bothers me more than if it affects me. I also have a big need for external validation. I am really good with people I am familiar with otherwise I do not like being around people I am not comfortable with because I don't always feel that I measure up to them. The last one that I see is I am a very emotional person and I have a tendency to take criticism very personal even if it wasn't intended. Wow I have always been told that I have these issues(blind spots) but never really believed it until I starting reading them in the book. I guess I have been in denial.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure that I’m a Pleaser (maybe I am, because I’m a bit of a nurturer) but I think that I am intuitive. I feel like that helps me as I work with students, families and team members. Although I feel that I listen “from the gut” and read body language and tone of
ReplyDeletevoice, I think that I’m not as good as listener as I would like to be.
My Blind Spots are definitely “standing up for myself” and “dealing with bullies”. I’m learning that conflict is not necessarily bad and with the encouragement from colleagues I’m learning to both “stand up for myself” and “deal with bullies”.
Alan: I for one (as a newbie) appreciate your empathy and diplomacy! I appreciate the diplomatic way you handled the meeting w/ the young lady. I know that I need to work on diplomacy…… I do try to remember my Dad’s admonition to being kind to people (don’t “burn any bridges – you never know when you might need to re-cross them). I often fail at diplomacy when I feel I’m being pressured or bullied.
Heidi: I can relate to “the downfall” when you've invested a lot into a situation and it isn’t to your benefit. Like you, I’ve learned to turn things down when it doesn’t work for me and balance my needs with others. Or I should say I’m learning…..sometimes it’s hard to do that when colleagues try to make you fit their agenda or say ”but it’s always been that way” or better yet, “if you(teachers) were really dedicated they would……”
When I was reading this chapter, one person kept coming to mind. This person has a personality that others are drawn to and has a way of making those around her feel good about themselves. She is a very hard worker and attention to detail is very important to her. A blind spot is her tendency to avoid conflict at all cost. She will sacrifice herself and her values to some extent to avoid conflict.
ReplyDeleteWhen reading about the need for validation, I thought about those who frequently say "Nobody notices everything I do around here." How often do we hear a similar comment in the work place?
I know what you mean when you talk about people that feel a need for validation. They need to hear that they did a wonderful job for each little thing they do. I wish more people could feel good about the things they do because their actions helped someone. It is nice to hear the words, but we shouldn't need to have them said all the time. We should feel good just knowing our work has helped someone in some way.
DeleteI think I am on the intuitive side of the Pleaser. I believe in empathy as a way of building relationships with others. Relationships play such a huge role in what we do in education. Even the research backs that up. If you aren't here for the kids you might as well not be here. I also think its part of not being judgemental. Until you have walked a mile in someone else's moccasins you have no idea what their life is really like. As to the intuitive piece, I believe it helps to be able to read body language and then "trust your gut instinct" when it is trying to tell you something.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I often talk to teachers about is "growing thick skin" and to "not take it personally" when someone criticizes you. But that is HARD to do. We happen to be in a professional where criticism is often the conversation of the day. Others that do not like what we are doing, how we are doing it, should do more or don't like the kids we work with and the list goes on. Its hard to not take it personally. The one thing that helps me get through it is to remember why I got into teaching in the first place and why I am here today. Many times it is not the kids around us that give us the problems we deal with it is the adults around us that give us the most grief.
ReplyDeleteI find that I like hanging out with pleasers as they always make me feel good. They have some very good traits that can be admired like; being a good listener, hardworking, and diplomatic. I can relate to all of those traits and I think most teachers have to try and emulate these qualities with their students to get them to respond and work much of the time. On the downside of being a pleaser is it is hard for them to advocate for themselves, stand up to the bullies, loyal to a fault, and the need for external validation. These are the qualities we try to get our students to watch out for so they will be more successful in school. We want them to become independent thinkers and not always be a pleaser themselves. I have a colleague who is always the first person to arrive and is usually one of the last people to leave the building and will do anything someone would ask them. Everyone loves all the work they do for us and complements them on it, which now knowing from the book, is why they do it. They have not learned to advocate for themselves and say “NO”. We need to not only try to educate our students to advocate and stand up for themselves but our co-workers as well. Knowing why people do this puts a new perspective on understanding them.
ReplyDeleteOne of the strengths of pleaser is a hardworker-I feel that is a strength of mine. I was raised to work hard and be proud of what you do. I try to do my best and if I don't know something-I will go try to find the answer from someone else or somewhere else.
ReplyDeleteI somewhat disagree with the statement about a pleaser not being validated in their family system. I feel I was given appropriate attention and didn't feel like I had to "fight" to win approval of any of my family members when I was growing up. I think some of my pleaser qualities come from what my parents taught me-no because they didn't have time for me and that I needed approval from others.
A blindspot I feel I have is that of difficulty advocating for myself-to a certain extent. I want to please others and if making myself "miserable" makes it better for others I will do that. I find myself doing that more at home than I do at work.
Linda-your comment about helping older adults is so true. I have seen you help at the nursing home and how you care for them. I admire that trait, because I struggle with that! Thanks for taking the time to care for them.
Amy-your comment about not liking conflict and not speaking your mind when you want to-I so relate. I too have rehearsed what I'm going to say and when it comes to saying it, I back down, because I don't want to cause conflict!
In my family I never felt left out or that I was not important. While I am a people pleaser and want to see the best in people and help them if I can I do not think I was ignored (this would be my blind spot). My brothers have always been protective of me and made sure that nothing bad happened to me. I have always been like a second mother to them and their friends. Growing up I learned to play what games/activities my brothers did because otherwise I would have been left out. I learned to adapt and be tough so I wasn't left out.
ReplyDeleteI think being a hard worker is one of the Pleaser’s strengths that relates to me. Craddock says, “the Pleaser’s tireless work ethic was often fostered in a family system where they were accustomed to scarcity and conditioned to give more than they got” (p. 29). However, I don’t think that statement really relates to my situation. I had a great home life, and I can’t remember a time when I ever felt as if my emotional/physical/spiritual needs weren’t being met because of scarcity. Also, I guess I grew up with the mindset that what I put into a situation was what I would get out of it. I didn’t believe I was ever putting in more than what I was getting. In my mind, it seemed as though things evened out pretty well in the end.
ReplyDeleteI think “Difficulty Standing Up To Bullies At Work” is definitely one of my blind spots. I do not like conflict and try my best to avoid it whenever possible, but I don’t think this is necessarily because my parents didn’t teach me how to “’push back’ on the playing field early in life” (p. 32). They’ve always expressed that I should stand up for myself, but I wasn’t brought up to act in a situation based solely on what I want/think without regard for others. I would rather strike a compromise and hopefully have everyone come out a winner in the end. However, in some cases, I also think that no matter what happens, the bully’s mindset might be pretty rigid, and “pushing back” might not do anything to help the situation.
Debi~
I completely relate to being a covert complainer. God bless my parents, they’re usually the ones who end up being the lucky listeners. They’re also usually the ones who make suggestions as to what I could do to help the situation. Most of the time though, I just feel like I’m too young or inexperienced, and my actions really wouldn’t make a difference anyway, so I just keep venting and hope that eventually things will change. Good way of thinking, huh???
Heidi~
Your comment about the “downfall” that happens once your hard work and effort doesn’t receive the recognition you feel it should reminded me of college and grad school. I worked my tail off during college because receiving a good education and grades was always emphasized in my family. My downfall happened during 1 of my graduate courses when I felt as though I didn’t receive the grade that I should have on an assignment. I don’t have a problem accepting lower scores if I didn’t put in the effort, but I legitimately felt as though I didn’t get what I deserved. Honestly, I was pretty bitter over it for quite awhile (longer than I should have been anyway), but out of the situation I realized it wasn’t the end of the world, and I learned how to better balance out each aspect of my life (rather than ignoring everything but my grades).
The Pleaser strength that I tend to see in myself is the hard worker. I put in hours getting things organized for my students. When they need something, I am willing to put in the extra time to help them be successful. There have been days when I have had students in my room working until 5:00 in the evening. I know that my family background has contributed to this "strength." However, I do not believe that it was because I was lacking in some area as I was growing up. I feel that I have this strength because my parents were role models and were constantly working.
ReplyDeleteA blind spot that I feel that I have is difficulty advocating for myself. I have always been taught not to "brag" about myself so it is hard to stand up for myself. However, after many, many years of teaching, I am better at being a self-advocate. It is something that I push for my students because I feel that they need to be able to step up and speak for themselves.
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ReplyDeleteI am late getting this blog posted!
ReplyDeleteI think I can relate to the -superb diplomat- but in my case, I wouldn't attach the adjective superb. It is just a skill that is necessary as a school psychologist. When I walk away from a tense situation and I feel I handled it with diplomacy, It is rewarding. As with any situation where there is disagreements, being able to look at the whole picture, allow everyone to feel empowered, know the emotional needs of those involved-respect those needs-conflicts can be resolved and people's dignity and feelings are saved! Of course during these conflicts needing mediation, sometimes there are bullies. I would rather hide from bullies, it would be easier but we must use diplomacy and deal with them in the ideal world. Pleasers, according to Craddock, are highly intuitive. Knowing what kind of personalities your dealing with helps to prepare for those situations. At least for me, I can handle difficult people if I know what I am up against.
For some reason I am a highly intuitive person. I am not sure why I have this strength. In most situations I am able to handle things well when it comes to interactions with people. (I said most - not all :)) Maybe it is because my mother is really intuitive and I learned this from her. A good example of this is dealing with parents. I know when immediate confrontation is needed and when a "cooling-off" period is needed prior to the confrontation.
ReplyDeleteMy huge blind spot is difficulty advocating for myself. I am very supportive of everyone. I rarely ask for things. I have goals. However, I am willing put mine on the back-burner in order to support others. I am already working on this one. My husband even encourages me to make decisions with regards to myself! If I ever get the hang of it he better watch out! :)
I think I fall closest to the pleaser category. I see relationships as an important part of getting to the goal of providing quality education. I don't mind burning the midnight oil most times to make things go more smoothly for others. The goals I set for myself early in life were to designed to please my parents. I'm the 3rd generation in education afterall. I prefer to avoid bullies in meetings and have to think to avoid that pitfall, not take it personally, and stand up for what I think is best. My initial reactions tend to be intuitive, then I check the data to back it up, before sharing. It makes sense to me that there are a lot of pleasers drawn to human services and it is a good fit for many - can make it hard to reach true consensus in meetings though. Pleasers don't always state their opinions until asked directly.
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